Things really started looking up, there for a sec. It was really nice, a good reminder of the possible. Its funny how fast things change even when you're trying desperately to fight it. Maybe im not trying hard enough. Maybe I dont have the skills, the training or the support needed.
I dont really want to go in to details, cuz I wouldn't want anyone to get the impression im mad with them or anything I just wish we could hold things together better. I wish my fragile state was a bit less fragile so that I was actually dependable right now. I wish others could be depended on (I don't mean anything by this except to acknowledge we are all frail at times).
I wish I had counseling appointments twice a week rather than once, because its hard to get through the week sometimes, and at other times things are so good we might be able to get something accomplished.

I tried to write today for like 2 hours. I was listening to sage Francis and some other stuff and trying to just freestyle into something cool since I didn't have a topic. I wrote one other poem but it isn't any good either. Its disappointing I thought maybe I was gonna get back on the trolley, the open mic is like 2 weeks from now and I have nothing new. Its harsh to be riding high and then fall so quick. Its harsh that one of my main coping mechanisms is a vice im trying to get over and failing at... and its harsh that the people I would normally talk to have their own shit to deal with and I feel even worse cuz I wish I could be there for them.

Im not as excited about the future anymore. This could change in a heartbeat and I hope it does. But plans aren't as exciting when they become realistic, intricately wound with all the casual failings of actual reality.

its also funny, cuz if i though faking cheery would help, i might consider it, but it seems like everyone is aware shit is stupid right now, like october is the off month, and we all scrape by to see if we can survive.

These are some places i been, etc. (sorry if its so small u cant see it.) The other pic is in prep for the upcoming holiday

Things have been weird lately, not sure what people are expecting of me and what to necessarily expect from others. I mean in general i think things are really good, but its hard to feel that way entirely when cats around u might not feel the same way.

I know i have been neglecting my studies... I got a psych test on friday that im worried about cuz i got a B on the last one, i gots to at least get that + this time... oh well.

I took Reina (becky's horse) out all by myself yesterday and it was actually kind of nice, not only like accomplishing that, but i miss having animals around. She is not a cat, and so i really have no understanding of what she wants or needs from me but it was nice anyway. dont tell becky or she will want me to do it all the time. I dont know it was odd. normally im so afraid of gettin dirty that i dont even want to touch them, but it was different maybe cuz it was just us.

Hmmm things are confusing its like being sick. one minute u think u are well on your way to recovery the next u are running to call the dinosours (tossing your cookies)

Im really neglecting a lot. I talked to Sarah F yesterday and i sort of miss a lot of cats who have fallen out of my life - sort of fear i pushed them out.

its hard to balance what i want, what my needs are, what im just being selfish about, whats ok with that, and what others need, want, must have, would appreciate etc.

last night i gave in and purchased two games that will be coming out by the end of the month, age of empires 3 and civ 4 i was all excited, today i got my geography test back and it was a c- now its true there are projects and shit in that class but i cant be getting c-'s in a class like that. I use to fall asleep in geography in highschool and wake up whenever i heard silence, answer the question and fall back asleep. Or me and the teacher would have our own little conversation while the class slept... she loved me. whats the difference, its not really all that harder, i just need to work more.

taking 21 credits is gonna get me a bunch of B's

The paper got my name wrong, thats coo. im not bitter (really im not i just thought it would be funny to pretend like i was)anyway i dont have shit to say... homework

i was trying to describe something but it ends up looking more like fun with alliteration


Bare boned, bruised in baring the brunt
thrashed and thorned,
construed to carry
self made, sacrificial salvation
dreams of departure, dreary desolate and dire
ideally intelligent the itinerant is, and irrepressible in
mind, though menial, the more so magnificent

I feel my standards slipping for schoolwork and as it slips so falls my motivation, and when i get grades I ask myself if i knew it would be that bad and im not all that suprised. I can do better, odd hows 5 years ago i would have told myself off for implying something like grades are important.

but also when i think about it, we are all letting things slip, and schoolwork may not be the most important, thses gray days fuck with our focus and the rain the floods the 40 days and nights , well Im not so sure i can make it...

So far it looks very likely that I will be going to europe next semester. I e mailed andtalked to one of my profs today and he said he thought it would work out, suggested some profs to talk to and said he assumed things would be fine.
so now i check with those profs, suggest some directed studies and then talk to the teacher who is doing my india trip and if all that seems like it will work then 98% chance of going I'd say.

I would be out of town from like dec 27 till like summer, or maybe well into summer depending on illy and/or becky.



in other news counseling was interesting today, we did a form of free association and though im not sure how far we got (i feel like there is just millions of things to cover-and it will take forever) we were making some progress, he asked me why i hadnt mentioned seeing luke fall from a slide across the park from my house, and possibly thinking he was dead, cuz he asked me about child hood trauma a few weeks ago. I told him i had forgotten, or it didnt seem important cuz luke turned out fine. but i think it really did reinforce my overprotective worrying side. He also thinks I was really bored sometimes as a child and though we didnt get into it much, that me and james may have reversed normal childhood roles during the hectic periods in our lives. If that is true, i think it would be because james was old enough to know what was going on with our parents and was pissed about it and well aware that it was out of his control, i wasnt old enough and so i thought i could help work things out. I tend to think me and james switched roles ( in some ways) when he stopped talking to my dad. anyway...
psychoanalysis

i really need to go write a paper and do a ton of other homework.

My brother is this dudes campaign manager, his name is Mark Ritchie and he is running for secretary of state in MN, the lady is rebecca otto and she is running for state auditor, and they both seem very cool and nice and seem like they are trying to get some good shit done

As much as i seem to hate the american flag, (not what it represents) but what it seems to stand for these days. (Its tarnished and ought to be burned)

but anyway on our trip to Glacier I caught this one hanging from a fire truck and it looked pretty nice, some small town in montana as if we could forget its ruinous habits and live small town american dreams again

parades and apple pie
soldiers who dont worry about dyin

i use to put this damn song on all my mixes but then it got overplayed, and now when hearing it randomly off itunes it sounds beautiful again

Cream "tales of brave Ulysses"

"You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever,
But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun.

And the colors of the sea blind your eyes with trembling mermaids,
And you touch the distant beaches with tales of brave Ulysses:
How his naked ears were tortured by the sirens sweetly singing,
For the sparkling waves are calling you to kiss their white laced lips.

And you see a girl's brown body dancing through the turquoise,
And her footprints make you follow where the sky loves the sea.
And when your fingers find her, she drowns you in her body,
Carving deep blue ripples in the tissues of your mind.

The tiny purple fishes run laughing through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter.

Her name is Aphrodite and she rides a crimson shell,
And you know you cannot leave her for you touched the distant sands
With tales of brave Ulysses; how his naked ears were tortured
By the sirens sweetly singing.

The tiny purple fishes run lauging through your fingers,
And you want to take her with you to the hard land of the winter."

missing this girl, hoping to spend some time with her in a few months...

So i am avoiding the dreaded homework (2 short papers and a test to study for) but i have many hours, and at least a moon. Listening to Linus. Oh indy emo punk...
pretty sad that they are better than sparta.

anyway. Uh the retreat was awesome, i had a really good time, tried to listen more than i talked and felt like there were a lot of people who i would really want to get to know. Im not gonna name any of em, they tended to be my age (I wonder if that says something) I have been missing out on some things me thinks at the end of the retreat i felt kind of sad because although i will see these cats again we wont have anymore of these kinds of things, its always that trip you know? the one where u fall in love and are ripped out of it, in like seconds. (i dont think i loved them, but i do get crushes easily, which never turn in to anything)
one of the chicas is going to india with us, which i have been looking forward to more than any other trip, but what saddens me is that i know it will be that same kind of trip "fallout of love again, your dreams all end.."~jf anyway yeah especially if i stay in europe, like "hey cats i love all of you, i will never see you again" (some of them are graduating-they my age)
HMMM

so yes, yes (the build up of the song) "cut your ribbon, as it follows you, everything! everything! how can you sleep at night?! as it falls apart, anything! anything! how can you sleep at night???" (switched to sparta)


as you can see i figured out pics for blogger again, but i dont know what i have to post...

um yeah shit happened yesterday as in nada, i saw one of the ladies from the retreat at the store of happy intoxication I thought it was funny but felt like a complete goon cuz I am embarassed around new people who i want to be friends with.


oh shit i am getting fucking boring on here, pssssss

(This is not about anyone, just a mental image I had, on the way home from Alexandria)


The secrets she held
wove and strung so
tightly
twisting
winding
the string binding
her breath, her
free range
her stomach
tightened and leather bound
the secrets so intricately wound
her own heart beat the kick of a gun
like
bang Bang BANG BANG!
and with each beat she is frightened again
and with each breath she sucks in and tightens again
and through this trend, stumbles and yearns for a friend
but her hand is cold and numb
and with out feeling,
so she don't believe her eyes and assumes that you lie
her secrets too shy, to release
and so the pressure increases
shakily she stands alone till her trembling
overworked heart
ceases...

This is the painting i been working on, its very pink which i didnt realize till the end, but thats what cheap red watercolor gets ya, sucka

So yesterday was the annual take back the night event. Im pretty sure Ash and Glaza were running it and planned the whole thing and i thought they did a great job except, maybe it was the wrong day. There were at least 6 events on campus last night and take back the night is way too deep and responsibility inciting to be a popular event. So the numbers were low and those who spoke even fewer but at least they got what they needed out. I was hoping more would show up. I was hoping there would be more than 5 guys there and this one girl got up and said that, she said men must be included to make the change and i couldnt agree more, which is why i went around advertising to guys. and not a person showed. disappointing.

for those who dont know Take Back the Night is an event, where victims of abuse domestic, sexual etc, come together and reclaim their right to not be afraid. To speak out against their abusers and tell others what they went through, share the experience so many others have had so that they dont have to feel alone in their suffering and so that by example they can help others who have or will be in their position in the future.

I wrote a poem, i wont put it on here.
I read it at the open mic following take back the night, the open mic is a completely seperate event I read "customs" "his majesty" "shame and school work" and the new one. People responded well.

Many of the normal cats were there and it felt kind of good like being back in a club where we all appreciate eachother's gifts, even if we talk shit behind eachothers backs occassionally. (everyone is a critic)

there were two other poets and i enjoyed them a lot. Different styles too bad i was nervus and couldnt pay enough attention.


tonight i go on this retreat for the wellness center. Peer health educators and shit, we are really just hanging out tonight and manana we drive back here and get educated on the things we might need to help people with.
um it would be a good event cept i got 2 papers and a test on monday as well as some reading in which i got to turn in questions to the teacher the night before, which means my weekend is gonna suck. but after monday i think i get to relax a bit, ust lots of reading....

you's is a wonder amazement bows down to you and with thou's magnificence we all wonder what our own problem is...

Another one from Krystin and her dad


Donald Rumsfeld and George Bush are having their daily briefing.

Just before they finish Rumsfeld tells Bush "Oh and yesterday 3
Brazilian
soldiers were killed"

Bush is horrified.

He puts his head in his hands and weeps uncontrollably.

His staff look on in stunned silence at this show of emotion by their
president.
Eventually Bush raises his head and asks "Donald, How many is 3
brazillion" ????????



I promise i will post soon...

First off: its very clear that my site hasn't fixed itself so I may be changing formats soon.
second: comments now require you to type in a password PLEASE DON'T GET DISCOURAGED BY THIS I WANT MORE COMMENTS THEN EVER but its to keep those damn advertisements away.
third: blogger needs a spell check (that I will remember to use) cuz um after reviewing some posts GEEZ cover my mouth I mean some of these aren't even remotely correct, and others are stupid mistakes because my fingers are too big and I don't look at the screen or the keys (I look at the air in between, can u see air?) anyway...

this weekend

saw my family,
saw system of a down and the mars volta and a band called hella (personally I like the mars volta the best--but I'm guessing everyone else liked system more. The crowd was very violent and aggressive at that point and I was sort of worried about Becky and some other things so it was hard to just relax and enjoy...

but the mars volta played like maybe 6-7 songs total in like an hour and I'd say 65-75% of each song was either improvised or at least not what was played on the cds. So I had a blast...
um and I didn't get as much homework as I wanted done, and I have been day dreaming all day about possible going to Europe but I will figure that out and tell people when I know more.
Peace and love
-taff

feel free to disagree but after breaking down and building back up at least once tonight, im still fairly sure that if i lost 20 lbs (or gained 20 in muscle) and had bluer eyes i would be a lot more attractive. this isnt what i broke down about -but its funny how insecurities (things you are worried about and dont feel like u have any control over) get transformed into things u might actually be able to change and often do have control over...




(and by funny i mean really really sad)

it might say a lot that i liked this but marcy had this written as her away message
"It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society -Krishnamurti"

pretty true,

scott s had a good one too but i wont attempt to recreate, it was good though,

"this is what happens when you find a stranger in the alps" censored version of the big lebowski

A long music post, specifically about the band Goldfinger


So i was standing in the 4b shower and started singing these two songs, (they are in order on the cd, and the first one is only a minute long so, the next one just naturally followed.
anyway this first song describes the 4b shower incredibly well...
""My Girlfriend's Shower Sucks"

The temperature changes
It chills me to the bone
It makes me wish that I was
cleaning myself at home

It makes me grumpy and
sometimes I lose hope
The water's hard, so I can
never rinse the soap

and it's got no pressure
The water dribbles down on me
and it's got no pressure
It's like the shower's going pee"

"Miles Away"

How deep is your love?
How deep is the ocean?
How deep is the sea?
and how deep is my love?

How deep is your love?
How deep is the ocean?
How deep is the sea?
and how deep is my love?

[Chorus]

It's miles away
Miles away
Miles away
Yeah miles away

How much do you want?
and how far can I take you?
How bad does this hurt?
How much do I want you?

How blind can I be?
so when can I see you?
Will it ever be?
and how deep is my love?

[Chorus]
[Chorus]

Let's go

[Chorus]

SO I immediately realized i hadnt made goldfinger available on my comp (itunes) yet and i thought, "that just isnt right."
then i started thinking about it and what the band means to me, yeah they are mostly jokes, angsty punk and break up songs, but this was me teen years right here. watching zack skateboard, playing tony hawk and rockin out with pete and foulkes, even doing the skits they have inbetween songs with them...

"yuo get crabs you know big deal,"
"nithin a little flea soap wont cure"
"yeah just fucking scrub em"


so then i was thinking... why do i like these guys so much? like i mean besides the fun.. and i realized they do have some emotional shit to offer, i mean maybe not "donut dans gonna get hummer from a man"
but like i totally used this one to work on issues with my dad

"Too Late"

The young boy has
turned into a man
and he's growing stronger
he's battled through things
he thought he could
go on no longer
father stood by his side
wanting nothing more
than just be his dad
but pride only answers
to one call
he only condemns him

and if the boy only knew
the father's pain
the nights that he
stayed up late
wondered why
doesn't he see the future
is so bleak so bleak

father's retired now
he's left with tv and rest
the weight of the world
and what did he do wrong
has gone to his chest
he had such a good life
the family he loved
were all by his side
to his son he whispered
goddamn this pride

so fuck i'm all by myself
now you've gone away
you've left me
all by myself
with that fucked up
thing you said
if i could forgive myself
you knew the way
now i'm all by myself
and i'm sorry

but if you only knew
your son's pain
how bad that he wanted
you to say
you're doing just fine
you turned out to be
one good guy
but it's too late"



and me and kristen would play "99 red balloons" (a cover) on our radio show inbetween fuckin around and forgetting i couldnt swear, asking like a monkey.

so my conclusion is i need to get more goldfinger cds
besides they work on animal rights stuff... so thas cool.

from krystin's dad
Sad and sort of funny


A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window
and
asks, "What happened?"

Terrorists kidnapped President Bush and are asking for a $10 million
ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline and set him
on
fire. We are going from car to car to take up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving on average?"

"About a gallon."

Shame and School Work

What ridiculous silliness, longing for belonging, clothes shed, no secrets held and parts lost to the fragrance of excited desire, languid strolls though I’ve repent, exhumed the somewhat presumed lack of strength, disgusted meekly given in, finding I’m repugnantly backwards bent, and invitations for reclamation soon find stamps missing, though signed and sealed, the date is un-commissioned and unapproved of,--of shocking disposition, control lacked, to shame submissive, placated derision intellectualized -just in time to grab a book, head off to lecture, lacking: motivation, completed homework and self direction.

if anyone can tell me whats up with my blog (like why it looks funny) please do, i dont know anything about formatting but i dont think i did this to it.

also how the fuck do u get rid of those junk advertisements?

i ask as if u know..



also "i want a new drug"

Lately i think i have been like getting the wrong impressions from people. Like they are saying one thing and i hear something else, and often times this leads me to feel disappointed later. Or make a big fool of myself at the time. this is not convenient...
I feel like even when i try to do things right, I am doing them wrong, or not to the specifications implied.



mike the rock just hooked me up with some mitch hedberg cds and i am relatively excited. (i am excited i just dont want to make it sound like im about to get off on a cd or something)

speaking of which, disappointment over the last few weeks led me to not being interested in certain things, now its the opposite, and i dont know what to do about it.

I feel i showed post and dont have much to say, im actually avoiding homework, the homework i have been looking forward to the fun/easy homework. Counseling tomorrow, its weird because im seeing a psychoanalyst-ic dude, and im as curious about the process and what we will come up with (what i will hide, share) as i am concerned about what is going on in my life now. So I worry/wonder what i will talk about when i get there, do i say everything is fine so that he can start analyzing my past? or concentrate and delay so he has a better understanding of what im going through now?
What sorts of interesting things will i learn about myself, will he judge? will i be too ashamed to say anything in the first place? will it not come up because i dont direct it in that direction and he doesnt know to look?

This seems to be a question i have with several things in life, how much honesty is too much? is it safe? do i tell people right away or wait till they like me.



i just redislocated my big toe on my right foot, this happens anytime i put too much pressure on it, and it hurts but i dont know how to fix it, so i walk on it till it feels comfortable again.

one of the +'s so far of living up here all alone is that i have been listening to more music than usual, which is great i forgot how much i enjoy so much of it.
one of the -'s is that i often wonder what is going on in the lounge downstairs, a great conversation? a movie? a great tv show? someone who needs to talk? people doing homework? playing games?
what am i missing? and will they come get me? probably not but i might be lucky enough to get an IM before they run off to their fun.

___________________________________________________________________________________
I painted for like 4 hours today, and by painted i mean i painted or talked to people while i thought about painting, it is really coming along, but still i am out of ideas, i ust make it up and much of it will be filler now since im at that point of the picture
__________________________________________________________________________________
two very different IM convos with erica and mike the rock -mucho fun.


peace and love yall

My history teacher went out of her way to tell me that she is happy i speak up in class, I always feel like im bothering everyone (cuz i talk so much) but its a discussion class and 65% of the time no one has anything to say. That means i get to rant...

funny, with all the e mails and calls, and pleas to come home, i choose to come home the weekend both my parents are gone. They are divorced so thats odd.
got to see my girls i guess one last time for a bit. Like illy was telling me, we couldnt force a deep convo but its good too, cuz we didnt push it like we needed a date, a thought or feeling set in stone, as if were both well aware and sure that things will be aight and we shall see eachother and talk many more times. I hope she has a great time in france. maybe i can find a way to visit.

Aimee and nick and tony and I went to see the twins play, they beat the white sox 5 to nothin with a couple of homeruns and it was all well and good.

shortly after saying my goodbyes i made the 2 and half hour journey back to morris in 2 hours. which was fun... though a bit worrisome.

also i had dinner with james and herm, found some thai food i will eat (it wasnt necessarily thai)

and upon return to morris i listened to sage francis, louden wainwright III and the first system of a down (on tape)

and then we played risk. and i spent the night wondering if becky was in her room or out having fun, and if i'd get to see her.

i owe you guys a post me thinks, trouble is i dont know what to say, how deep to go etc.
I am in a new room, suppose i can tel everyone the number now...
not on here though

Its a nice room, it doesnt really have much of the fixings as it were, and its kind of dirty and sticky already which was here when i got here so not my fault. i feel bad for this floor cuz im moving in and planning to spend most of my time downstairs.The feeling isnt the same up here, and i do sort of worry that it wont be the same down there either. So the room is still in the works, maybe get some art up. buy some tape!

Im sort of crabby and im not sure if its just cuz i woke up late and missed my first two classes again (thats like 3-4 times already) its getting silly, and im getting mad at myself, so i will probably have to buy a new alarm clock. (not cuz the old one sucks but to have two.

Im going home this weekend and i think its good and important for two reasons, A #1 i might get to see my girls for the last time in a long time, and i miss them. B #2 i think i need some time away from here to get some perspective. Because i am all confused about where am at ------this started this morning, last night i sort of let myself down, and im not saying it was like a bad thing, just all of a sudden im worried that this new understanding or self confidence i have had the last week or so will run away, its a mean sense of forboding.

I have been making it to the class i have the most work in, and also the one i find the most fun. We discuss women in the middle ages (europa) and i tend to want to make it a middle age to modern class but im learning to control myself. This friend of becky's is in there and for some reason i feel like i have to prove to him that im smart. Its odd, because we could probably be really good friends but i doubt he is interested in being friends with me. He probably knows me as the kid tim and kristen hung out with occasionally.

I havent been self analyzing the way i should these past few weeks. maybe thats why im feeling better.
i need to shower.

i wish i had some words of wisdom or a quote or a poem but i only got old shit.

so here is some funny babble

It’s the differences that make us special

There is a difference between a cow and a man
Cuz cows can’t waltz but humans can
And humans have breasts
And cows have utters
Cows make milk and humans make butter
I’m pretty sure, that cows don’t drink coffee
And humans don’t eat grass they eat chocolate and toffee

46 chromosomes make us humans who we are
but cows have more or less cuz cows cant drive a car
and people always saying that cows taste good
but humans taste like chicken and cows only wish they could
so the many differences between humans and cows are plain to see
but whether its better or worse is opinion, I know a cow I’d rather be.

a state of being
Some small unused portion and we place upon it such significance as if our dire fated consequences were of some real consequence as if to say “hey look away” and gaily we’d see yesterday, fluttering upon the trembling ocean waves and wonder,
why we allowed the sway struggling against the casual rasp, the wind that day did trump our strength,
and fall and filter out our normal troubles, trembling in soaked blue jeans and craving some sustenance shaking off our hazy gaze we sat admiring our truculence.

"Chain smoking worries
a flutter a flight
caught up in the secrets of today
the shadows passing in the night

bow and ribbon packaging
newspaper, cheap the wrap
flustered, boxing our hearts away
how quick we turn to shield and strap

and with this panic conscious preparation
guilt, forgiveness, queasy, trite
overcoming love we hope not hatred
trapped by shadows we failed to site"




Mike the rock left me this mysterious note, and then left, the last time someone did this to me i freaked out for a few hours. Its hard to be a worrier. you spend half your time so freaked out that something bad has happened to someone else and the other half worrying something bad is about to happen to you.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))


we saw this guy Lauden wainwright last night, i wasnt expecting much and got a hell of a lot more than i was expecting, he's rufus's dad. he had the right combo of saw and funny and meaningful and different to really hit you right and be entertaining allthewhile.

))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

this weekend has been really slow, but in a nice way, like gentle relaxationg to the point of boredom but not overcome with it, more just accepting.
the problem is now you gotta jump out do homework etc. easier said than done. i slept in all friday morning and was only semi prepped for my friday afternoon class. i told myself i would be on top of this shit this year, but oh well. i guess i gotta get back on the walrus.

(my comp is starting to slow, this is not good)

we were up till 8 AM so i told myself i had to be up by 2 and get moving, i have yet to do the moving.


speaking, i dont know if i mentioned this, but i may not get a room upstairs because they might move hurricane victims in which is pretty cool. me thinks





peace and love, (my art is only half done and im out of ideas, and im forcing as it is, and i was supposed to have it done this weekend)



fair day to ya

'under your tongue im like a tab
i will give you what you're not supposed to have" ~ pearl jam


shed, anyway, yall should check out kanye west on ebaumsworld if u want some truth in ya life.

the short of it is "george bush doesnt care bout black people"

um its the weekend ooh well not yet, but i did take the morning off to catch up on some beauty sleep. the art project im working on is coming along aight, got some shit, will probaby either post it or make it my facebook pic after ,maybe both.

got some shit to read, but basically im only slightly behin on my reading.

so far the class im taking as a fun class is still looking the best.

im seeing a psychoanalysist once a week, i havent been as depressed lately.

got the info for india last night, bombay, knchipuram, bangalore, rohtak,jaipur, ranthambore, agra, and delhi are the places we checkin out, and dont feel bad if u aint heard of all of em.. (me either)
apparently there will be some "off days" when we visit safari parks, so it sounds very similar to trips i have taken before. overly powerful culture shock then relax back and forth, i already know like 3 kids going so it will be fun, and when i come back hopefully i will have changed a bit for the better.
w will be working with some kids and maybe some women's shelters so thas cool as well.

maybe check out that exorcism movie tonight, or manana,
im coming (pardon the pun) up on a month of not doing *anything* its a strange feeling, its sort of like an accomplishment but what does it prove, nada...

full of bullshit


im very silly, i wrote someone an e mail earlier explainin how i need to start thinking more about myself and not what they think of me and such, really to pick myself up and get back on track, and ever since i wrote it i been sitting around waiting for a response like i need their permission to get started, still feelings is feelings eh?

From my older brother

"Hey kids,

My roomates and I will be throwing our first annual September 10th party
this Saturday at 9:00 p.m.

We live at 2724 Pleasant Ave in South Minneapolis. Map at:

directions

We're hoping for a mix of fantasy football fans, lefty political hacks, and
people who enjoy corn nuts and beer.

We'll have a keg (small donation appreciated) a blender, plenty of room, and
two clean bathrooms. We ask you to come and bring at least one friend
(boyfriend, co-worker, ex-wife), and to R.S.V.P. so we know how many kegs
and chairs to get. Show up anytime but expect to stay late.

Hope to see you Sat,

J"

I broke down in fron of becky yesterday. I've been doing that a lot, but it seemed really odd because i hadnt dealt with that particular issue in a long time- nt in that way, and it seemed even odder that it seemed to be the same trigger i was thinking about some stuff my dad had said)
One of the things im having the hardest time with is my seeming lack of coping skills. for years i felt like i had been gaining the knowledge and self awareness to deal with whatever came up, and for some reason right now all of the knowledge just doesnt apply. I feel like im like 14 again. I feel depressed and anxious and unneeded and unwanted, and unworthy and unlovable. (im currently describing myself in general terms right now im feeling okay...) but even considering i feel okay i have this impending sense of that ending at any moment and that tends to remind me im not the same person, or at least im off my game.

yesterday it said something like "playas live here" on me and tom's door, my initial reaction was like "thats stupid bullshit and i hope no one actually thinks this shit" and then i just thought it was really funny, because me and tom are like the opposite of playas, we get confused and talkative every time some little thing goes wrong, we have a hard time even pretending we are not upset when we feel like someone is mad at us or hurt or doesnt like us.
its kind of funny...

dreams of californication...

SO, time to complain. (Sorry, im just sick of doing it to people in person)
I have been really weird lately, if you haven’t been paying attention, I’ve talked to a lot of people about it including a counselor here at school. It’s been awhile since I saw someone professionally on a weekly basis and I think that’s what this will be. He wanted me to focus on my pain, as in what exactly im feeling, focus so as to be able to put it in context and express it, but my mind was jumping. He also assigned me homework, which I have only done in my head so far and will probably do after this. or maybe during this.
So the things that seem weird are like, I’ll be enjoying the day, the company the smiles. The music or whatever. Then the second I get bored or feel left out or want something more, I will just fall into a steep depression, and its like I know that by talking to people or whatever I can usually overcome it, but most of the time I don’t have a good reason and thus its hard to communicate, hard to communicate that this feeling is much more than just adjusting to a different relationship. Hard to put a change into a context of feeling like people will always come to a point of wanting to reject me. Hard to communicate when this whole thing doesn’t seem worthy enough to bother anyone.

So I sulk, I get quiet. I contemplate too much, and worry about what is and isn’t ok. I worry one minute that we will never get back together and the next that we will without solving any problems and end up in a worse off place then we are now, and sometimes I worry that it will be too late, when we are finally ready and we will have already vacated each other’s lives. I tend to express these worries and concentrate on this one thing, but really the feelings reach out beyond this relationship, its just that that loss hurts more than the thought of losing any other.

I worry so much that I don’t enjoy the activities around me and sometimes desperately want the night to end, so that I don’t have to think or worry or sometimes run into people cuz I worry they will get sick of me moping around, and I wouldn’t blame them...

I worry most of the time that im not needed or wanted and though people reassure me on a daily basis and I love them for it, all it takes is like one thought to be back where I was before the pep talk- and I cant imagine that doesn’t get old.

Its really great in some ways, I feel like I’m being more honest with myself and others, I feel like in some ways its humbled me enough to realize how beautiful people are, but the draining aspects keep me from enjoying them sometimes.

I find my interests and such coming back occasionally and though this is exciting it really really worries me. It worries me because I don’t want to sink back into how I was, so hung up and dependent on some shallow shit that I let it get in the way of something far more important to me, or being hooked on games and shallow competition in which I’m not available for hours.
I don’t want to watch movies for 12 hours a day, or read books that way, desperately trying to escape or find some excitement in a life other than my own, but all these things in small dosages should be okay, I just don’t know where to draw the line. or sleeping/dreams I went to bed at like 11 with every other person still awake last night, and I really wanted someone to come wake me up but I’m sure they felt that would be rude, especially if they had no reason, but it would have felt great to me, just to have someone ask me for anything.


I feel like I’m faking just about everything, like I’m restricting myself pretending I don’t care.

and this shit sucks so much that I’m tempted to go back, and then I haven’t really learned anything but how all these stupid worries are self defeating and that’s not what negative feelings are for. (I’m having such a hard time phrasing things all of a sudden)

so I guess I really don’t have anything to say at all... I just don’t have great coping skills right now.

I don’t mean to end this on a note of like my life is going to shit, I think its actually going really well right now I just don’t seem to be able to appreciate it like I should. Im fairly optimistic about the future. Im entirely sure that im surrounded by great people. Both here and at home and like everywhere. Just wish I felt confident I had something to offer them, so I didn’t feel so uncomfortable and insecure about asking for their reassurance.

"No more to gain
Needing the ugliness that surrounds
Return again
Caught in the medicine handed down "
~guster

(really just using this to update a link)

this semester is a test of will power in everyway, and so far im doing aight, bt its hard not to listen to feelings and urges.

gabs was telling me to open a snapfish account so here goes

hopefully that will work they might make u open an account but its cool(minus the e mails they sens u occasionally)

anyway i guess older pics and newer pics will come soon
becky hasnt yet given me permission so i tried to keep her out of the ones so far, i will go ask her when i see her though so its not like a dispute thing just trying to be respectful

if you dont want your picure up, or you find one in particular embarassing ask me to take it off and remember the image number but its all good i gots to go to class peace and love

sage francis "slow down ghandi"


There once was a song called arrest the president
Contemporary music, a hit with the kids, it was a top ten
I wasn't pop then so I missed the bus a bit
But politics was on everybody's hot this summer lists
The cool kids were all rocking votes
I shit you not, I was pistol whippin' cops for hip hop
BooYea!

I'm a soap box yelling into megaphones
Killing hard rocks using carcasses as stepping stones
Had to promise that I'd stop holding my marches
the day that Chris Columbus got crucified in golden arches

My pedestal was too tall to climb off
In fact that's the reason for the high horse
And from up here I see marines and hummers on a conquest
Underdogs with wonderbras in a push up contest
All for the sake of military recruitment
It felt like Kent State the way they targeted the students
I galloped off whistling "Ohio."

The rest of them, stuck doing stand up at a cricket convention
But what they'd die for
is it the same machine that leaves the quality of life poor
An abominable colony of cyborgs
Clogging up the property that I call eyesores

That clever ad campaign ain't worth
The time taken from minimum wage labor
I don't care how half naked or fake she looks
She smells like dirty cash and aged paper books
So what'd she die for
Slow down Gandhi your killin'em
Slow down Gandhi your killin'em

Now it's whistle blower vs. the pistol holder;
Case dismissed, they'll lock you up and throw away the key witness
Justice is the whim of a judge, check his chest density
It leaves much room for error, and the rest left to destiny
The West Memphis 3 lost paradise (www.wm3.org)
It's death penalty vs. suicidal tendencies
All I wanted was a fucking Pepsi
Institution

Making you think you're crazy is a billion dollar industry
If they could sell sanity in a bottle they'd be charging for compressed air
and marketing healthcare
They demonize welfare
Middle class eliminated, rich get richer
till the poor get educated

But some of y'all still haven’t grown into your face
And your face doesn't quite match your head
And I'm waiting for a brain to fill the dead space that's left
You're all, "give me ethnicity or give me dreads."

Trustafundian rebel without a cause for alarm
Cause when push turns to shove
You jump into your forefathers arms
He's a banker, you're part of the system
Off go the dreadlocks in comes the income

The briefcase (the freebase)
The sickness (the symptom)
When the cameras start rollin'
stay the fuck outta the picture pilgrim!

The briefcase ( the freebase)
The sickness ( the symptoms)
When the cameras start rollin'
slow down Gandhi, you're killin'em

Mr. Save The World, spare us the details
Save the females from losing interest
And Miss Save The Universe
You're a damsel in distress
Tied down to a track of isolated incidents
Generalize my disease
I need a taste of what it's like
Living off the fat of kings
I play the scab at your hunger strike
Slow down Gandhi, you're killin'em

One love, one life, one too many victims
Republicrat, Democran, one party system
Media goes in a frenzy
They're stripped of their credentials
Presidential candidates can't debate over this instrumental
Let 'em freestyle, winner takes all
When the music’s dead I'll have Ted Nugent’s head hangin' on my wall
Kill one of ours, we'll kill one of yours
With some friendly fire, that’s a funny term, like civil war

Six in the morning, police at my crib
Now my nights consists of two toothpicks and eyelids
The crucifix and vitamins, music that is pirated
New flavor food made of mutated hybrids
Uh

They tell me that it's not that bad
And it fucks you up good, but its not that bad
They hold on to these tails till it's the dog that wags
God save us all if he lets the cat out the bag

Who's the one to blame for this strain in my vocal chords?
Who can pen a hateful threat but can't hold a sword?
It's the same who complain about the global war
But can't overthrow the local joker that they voted for

They call the shots
(but they're not in the line of fire)
I call the cops
(but they break in the line of duty)
Lets call a stop to the abuse of authority
The truth keeps callin' me, and I'ma live to tell the story

So what's the truth, quit seeking forgiveness
You need to cut the noose, but you don't believe in scissors
You support the troops by wearing yellow ribbons?
Just bring home our motherfuckin' brothers and sisters

Cause they don't call the shots
( but they're in the line of fire)
I'd like to call the cops
( but they break in the line of duty)

It's time to call a stop
To the abuse of authority
The truth keeps calling me
And I'ma live to tell the story

A quick recap of augusta

Left to go interview my grandpa in sioux falls
did about 4 hours or so of interviews, spent time with steve (my lil brother) had some good convo etc.
got back hung out with come cats saw gabs for the last time for a bit.
headed off to boulder with zach.
we spent a few days hanging out at petes new apartment, going out to bars and meeting his friends (most of whom we already knew from previous visits)

I've been really weird lately like depressed and anxious and sensitive and stuff and while I was there one night I felt a bit rejected, so I went off on my own, (very angsty) and I was just trying to learn and love the city, watch passerbys etc. It was kind of nice I got to feel independent for a while. And I wrote this really bad poem

"like birds to a window
boxed in by glass walls
glass ceiling
flocking to glass mirrors
glass slippers from fairytales
glass pendants to adorn
glass rings to treasure
glass eyes to hide their scorn
and glassy smiles for
glass personalities
and glass hearts
thus treated like fragments
when they break apart

hunters stand triumphant
crass phallucies in hand
crass perspectives plague their sheltered views
bragging in crass language
english teachers couldn't understand
crass treatment of their mothers, sisters, daughters and lovers
crass example of manhood
for their legacy
crass penance when we remember we share the planet
we share our land
unacceptable we box our partners
in those castles made of sand"

so anyway we met up later and everything was G but that may have been the first real weird thing where i felt really sensitive about stuff.

Anyway a few days later we found ourselves in missoula montana, where we met up with maritsa and aimee (whom i havent seen in quite a bit) anyway we were staying at maritsas' and i figured i should go find aimee and get as much time as i could get with her since zach was anxious to get out on the road.
I met aimee at a bar that she and her friends had been frequenting. She had just received a free t shirt (i believe) for completing a contest they do at the bar (more like a club the bar has) called "50 ways to love your liver" where you drink the 50 different kinds of beers on tap (different days) aimee introduced me to a boatload of cats who all seemed to have long hair and beards(the montana style trustafundian/trustafarian) She also exlained that the population of the town was like 7-15% minnesotans and demonstrated by tapping random cats (i assumed they had met before) and asking them what city they were from. lots of minnetonka wayzata etc.
aimee was rather intoxicated and gave me lots of info she probably doesnt want me to spread but i got a bit worried about her. the problem is she thinks shes havin a blast and who am i to tell her otherwise, so the next day i simply told her to take care of herself so that i could see her again sometime, and we departed after a breif tour of the campus.
zach and i realized some differences we have in how we invest our feelings and time in people, im not sure if he was irritated or impressed (it didnt matter) i needed to see my girl again.

Maritsa told us not to drive on the highway out to glacier at night and she said that each of the crosses was a person killed by drunkdriving. she also said they counted over 200 one night, and though i thought that was exaggeration the actual number of crosses must be very close of more, the thought of all those people who never got to say goodye to their families and friends and shit has been fucking with me ever since i saw the first cross (like i have been cryin over it)

:::as a side note maritsa also took us out to breakfast at a place in which at ten in the morning there were people drinking at the bar and playing slots all in the resturant above the bar were a number (20?) of rifles.


At glacier we spent a night at the base camp and the nex day hiked 6 miles mostly downhill to a campsite.
pete had gotten me a bit sick and so when at first i felt a little achy i thought nothing of it. we spent a night at the camp, didnt see many animals and the views so far were mostly of fields and mountains, (cool but not like amazing) the next day we did like almost 7 to a lake campground that was beautiful and i think that night we met some guys who let us mess around with their ngithvision goggles which was soooooo cooooool
they also had really friendly deer, as in they walk right up to ya for food, and zach got pissed at this.
we survived on pumped and filtered water, freezedried foods and granola bars.

my legs were killing me, and not like muscle but like joint pain, and it was kicking the shit out of me, te next day we had a vacation hike to an ever more gorgeous place and i barely made it it felt like.
so i decided that instead of doing the really hard climb on the last day i would hike back ou the 14 miles i came in and sleep in my car.
the day before that day i saw a black bar across the lake and zach decided to swim across a pool area of the lake (i remind you this is glacier run off water) and he spent the next hour shivering in his sleeping bag)

so the last day we parted ways (i'd been limping an shit just walking--still am)
so the hike for me was hell and it started raining the last 3-4 hours. it took us like an hour and a half to do like 5 miles (this is hiking with a 30-40 pack on your back in high altitude) and it took me like 4 hours to do the last 6 miles. literally limping watching horses walk by without shit on they backs.

that night i met this girl at a general store and she was in charge of operating the hotel next door they didnt have a room because of the rain and snow (no one wants to camp) and i told her i'd be sleeping in my car, she was from minnesota and was hella nice and offered me some old hotel blankets. the next day i had coffee at the diner across the street and talked to her all morning. she also worked there and i thought it was pretty sweet how she seemed to love everyone who walked in the door. (this was not a romantic thing-but i love cats) and she reminded me of the people from cesky krumlov following adventure to a small town and finding fairytale like excitement in every character of the place.
i wrote a poem about her that was even worse then the one above. and lost my appetite watching the news.

after seeing so much nautral beauty (and forgive me atheists, and agnostics) but seeing and feeling god working all around me, the news showed pictures of palestinians breaking into synagogues (spelling?) and i couldnt help but hurt for the victims on all sides.

I read animal farm, cats cradle, and bill mahrs(spelling?) new rules. im almost done with a clockwork orange which i also started on the trip.

anyway the day i got back, or rather the morning after i had a horrible nightmare and have felt insecure ever since (though rapidly improving)
the dream involved people i love changing. not needing or wanting me anymore etc.
i couldnt understand or accept anything, and felt more uncomfortable than i had in many years.

i talked to illy and becky about it and they helped a lot.

i said my goodbyes to illy just in case sort of... bu i intend to go back either this or next weekend.
i told my mom i was a pron addict the night before i left and she suggested i get on some low dose of something for anxiety and depression. and though i have strong feelings against that shit i told her i would.
im also looking into checking out some groups.

school:

as much as i was looking forward to coming back things have been kind of different.

me and tom are rooming together and that cool and all but im sure him and his lady could use some space and im missing my rock out time and my messy expressions of private anger fear pain and joy. so im looking into moving upstairs.

these cats is cool though many more guys than normal. and there are some ladies but im fucking weird right now.
we went and saw 40 yr ld virgin on sat and that was cool. i got my appetite back in some ways but it still leaves sometimes, im guessing im gonna gain weight rather than losing though...

school isnt all that exciting, but i think i got lots to look forward to im just putting up walls before it gets here and i need to climb some sort of tower so i can see ahead and unlock the fuckin gates etc.

im rushing now cuz im suppsoed to meet som cats for lunch t 12:00




new :
311 sage francis and mel gibson and the pants cds
i like em



peace and love i will talk more later

i will post for real soon, maybe later tonight, but for now so yall can be proud of my brother too

"Sun Newspapers - MNSUN.com - Ronglien gives young coaches a chance


--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ronglien gives young coaches a chance



(Created: Wednesday, August 10, 2005 4:33 PM CDT)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tony Kelly, 15, gets set to make a one-on-one move during the Park
High boys basketball camp.

Campers listen intently as director Steve Ha--ar makes a point
during a break in the action.

By John Sherman\Sun Newspapers

When he was 19 years old and a recent graduate of Richfield High in
1979, Larry Ronglien got his first big break.

"Stu Starner [Richfield's varsity coach] asked me to run his summer
camp and also gave me the job as ninth-grade coach at Richfield West Junior
High," said Ronglien, who went on to enjoy success as head coach at
Mound-Westonka, Irondale, Edina and St. Louis Park high schools.

Ronglien is currently at Park, and following in the footsteps of his
mentor, Starner, he gave a young coach a chance to prove himself this summer.

"I turned our summer camps over to Steve Ha--ar, who graduated from
Park in 2004," Ronglien said.

The Oriole head coach couldn't help but notice the parallel between
his own career springboard and the one he gave Ha--ar.

Ha--ar played for Park and was never one of the stars. However,
Ronglien said he liked the blue-collar work ethic that the 6-foot-2 forward
brought to the game night in and night out.

"First of all, I'm thrilled that one of our former players wants to
coach in the program," Ronglien said. "We had about 85 kids in our summer camp
in grades three through nine. Based on e-mails I received, there was very
positive feedback on Steve's coaching. He also helped us a lot with open gym,
which freed Gary Peterson and me to concentrate on coaching our junior varsity
and varsity teams this summer."

Ronglien thought so much of Ha--ar's performance that he has named
him freshman coach for the coming high school season.

While Ha--ar was directing the summer camps, he had help from
counselors that included former Park players Angelo Davis, Jonathan Thompson and
Arsenio Richardson.

"I am very excited to have the guys who played for us return,"
Ronglien said. "They know about our summer camps and what the expectations are
because they went through our camps themselves."

Peterson, a longtime Park assistant coach, guided Ha--ar and his
ex-teammates through some of the planning stages of the camp.

"Coach Peterson was able to give Steve some helpful guidelines,"
Ronglien said.

Going back to his own experience as a young coach in Richfield,
Ronglien said that having the responsibility of running a summer camp launched
his coaching career.

"I am very grateful for the opportunity that Stu Starner gave me,"
he said. "I owe him a lot. One thing he told me before that first camp was that
we needed to develop shooters. That's the same thing I tell my coaches today.

"Coach Starner had faith in me and helped me when I was starting
out. I gained a lot, working with him for just one year. He left to become an
assistant coach to Jim Dutcher at the University of Minnesota, then he coached
at Montana State."

Ronglien said it probably isn't quite as easy to break into coaching
now, as it was for him back in 1979.

"It's a different planet now," he said. "A lot has changed in high
school sports. I think Steve [Ha--ar] will be successful. He's so straight
forward, so hard-working. With a young coach, I have to work with him and have
faith in him. And I definitely have faith in Steve."

hey guys im sorry, i come home from that 1.5 week treck and dont have internet access at home, so i probably wont broadcast till im back at school on wednesday

My bag so far weighs less than it did for my europe trip, and i suppose rightfully so since then it was meant to last for as long as i needed and here only a few days, still the food, tent, and water have yet to be added.

we are off to CO manana early hopefully and i have yet to clean out my cr or get an oil change and for some reason baker square wants me to call, but i might just stop by in the morning, fully prepared to pick up my check and perhaps drop off my uniform if they so desire.
a few days in CO visiting the newly single pete and we are off to the wilderness, with a stop to see aimee and maritsa, hopefully. dirty sweaty aching me will be complaining im sure and then just a few days home and im off to school again. "I put on my vest and I stick out my chest and I'm off to the races again." (newsies)

hmmm relaxing


its been a swell few days i seen many of the cats i meant to see, and missed mogan and hollie because i didnt know they was in town but its probably for the best cuz i was having a hard time finding the time as it was, but hopefully i will have a few more deep convos before i return to morris so i can have a smile on my face and know the world is beautiful.

I havent quite let the fact that i wont see some of these cats for months/years slip in and i think im afraid to but we shall see.


on a different note...

hopefully nothing bad will happen and im just being paranoid lately.

while in sioux falls, i was thinking bout that thing my uncle is doing, and wrote this on top of a drawing of a homeless man sleeping with a white flag extending from his backpack.

"We all worry,
causation
reacion
but where's the extension
that ensures the survival
of those subect to removal
becuase of our disapproval
of their possibly
chosen, living situation?"

seemed like a week

"and i cant tell you, how many ways that i've sat and viewed my life today, but i can tell you, i dont think that i can find an easier way, so if i see you walkin hand in hand in hand with a three armed man, i'll understand, but you should have been in my shoe yesterday" (blind melon)

I was out in sioux falls ("the sioux empire, siouxland, keloland") fucking rediculous advertising (the first two make me disgusted and the second is just too fucking in you face, not that any of you know what im talking about)

I got maybe a third, or half of the interviewing i wanted to talk to my gramps about, its not hard, more just hard to keep him on track and get him o talk about what you want him to. i had a list of topics not yet discussed when i left, which means im going back sometime, hopefully soon. we didnt get to many of the hard topics(though he claims he'spen to anything im sure hes avoiding certain subjects)

we went to visit my gramp's older brother in his nursing home thing. It was really hard for my grampa even though he talks and looks tough, I asked him on camera while we were there what he thought of the place, and he said "i wouldnt ever want to be here.." he contemplates the amount of pain/delusion his brother goes through and wonders if he is happy. With his younger brother already passed, his older brother soon, his wife gone for about 15-16 years, odds are my gramps is on his way. Its really important for me to get to know him and do these interviews.
and if he kicks on for another 20 years than we can keep the video updated.

my uncle has been fighting a few charities about moving their facilities to the neighborhood our family grocery store has been in for 56 years. Its a very complicated case, because its not that he is against the shelters and soup kitchens, but the people of his neighborhood are already working class, low income people, and the soup kitchens and shelters give the people who are homeless food and shelter, ((((sometimes even if they drunk))) which is the issue, because the drunken roaming folk have been causing trouble in the neighborhood, (going to the bathroom on lawns, sleeping in people's walk ins, etc) So my uncle is fighting city hall to get them to keep the facilities down town where the homeless guys arent in a neighborhood. (yes i know that this is one of those issues you can look at from many angles, and i think in may ways my uncle if he is going to push against this should be looking for alterntative to help the charities. but anyway) my uncle describes himself as liberal thinking and a registered republican, similar to my dad(and sometimes his wife)

we went out with another one of my uncle's while we were there and hes a great guy but hes a convervative bible thumping republican and I didnt openly say anything but i found at least one sentence he said to be pretty sad and silly.

"this sort of thing goes on all the time, i mean how do you think the people down by the border feel, they got guys coming through their backyeards stealing, killing people, you know, and im sure they are just as...." you get the point, so apparently every person who crosses a border is trying to steal from you and kill you.

anyway, me and steve had some good conversation on the way home, inbetween several stops to go to the bathroom. one of which the guy openly profiled me and we had a conversation about, mentioned that he wrote down my license plate anyway. i thought it was funny, because hes a gas station attendant so whoopy, but i aint taking that shit from people in authority. anyway...

I came home really loving the world and people in it and im glad you are around, and i wish i could be there to hang out and have your back more often.
I may not always be a good guy, but im trying and i hope you know i would be there if i knew how.

_____________________________

i should do something fun and rediculous right now like switch to being an science major or start wearing my pants backwards, maybe both but when people ask about it i will just pretend like its always been, and i mean been like (bean)

small world


I was over at Ben O's house in park, with gabs and some cats, and Ben's friend Tim showed up with this girl who was real small and looked young and all, and though she looked familiar i didn't really think anything of it, afterall lisa (ben's sis) had her friends over and whatever.
Later she is asking me my name and she goes i think i know your brothers, and she says they are younger than me, so im thinking, na that cant be right but maybe she knows steve, so yeah i ask, and it turns out this girl went to tanzania with my family back 2 years ago when my mom took a more "touristy" style trip. (they saw mad lions) anyway so we start talking and that was cool but way weird, thats about it. and i got mad cats in my heart tonight.. so yall take care and know im wondering bout ya

My apologies to anyone who started reading this regularly again. It has been a few days and will be a few more till you get some regular posts.

I finished my final with help from becky and got a 47/50 on it. its worth 40% of the grade which means i probably got an A
i ended work last week and am now free to do some summer projects.
one of which is typing up poetry and is the reason why i will be bringing my comp to sioux falls while i work on another --- interviewing my grandpa. I have been talking to my dad and my aunt and am excited to get started. After that i am home for a few days and i really dotn know how im gonna see everyone im supposed to see, it sucks but i got some cats who are leaving the country and its really important that i get to hang out with them a bit, even though both of em are in agreement that spending time apart (for us) doesnt change anything. which is comforting but its hard to think about not seeing them for a long time.

arpund the 8th-9th zach and I will set off to CO to fuck around with pete for a few days, hes apparently single now so those boys may try to get in trouble and i will have to be sober cab (which is fine with me, i just like to pretend that im complaining sometimes) anyway, that will be fun. then we will head up northwestish i think, to glacier national park i think and maybe stop to see aimee, whom i didnt have a chance to catch while she was in town.

then we drop pete, come back i get my room cleaned up and pack and head off to morris. to play tricks on freshpeople. i am supremely happy and everything is going my way so i have to assume some catastrophe soon.

thanks to becky and her family for this weekend, accomodations, support, car, help with homework etc. life is muy bueno. peace and love yall, peace and love

halfway through a stats final that is due at 6:00pm still got much work to do, sorry i have not posted, new tires on my ride, new brakes manana, then off to south dakota. then to infinity and beyond

and now for some john frusciante lyrics before i go to the last day of work and spend the night doing stats

anne you cant hide
you know we'll find you
its a matter where pride flys out the window
i never got the weight off the ground
i just forgot whats up and whats down
how many get the way i feel now?
theres no regret theres just the sense that
nothing is coming my way
theres so much that happened today
the god's of the city have called my name
it means more to them than it means to me
i've left my body i've left my fate
but it is so hard to keep away
now
nothing is final because
it seems all the while
there wasnt anything for me
i always faked my smile
so many careless angels responsibe for me
they give me disease
they give me a pain in my neck to feed off me
saying pay us the cost and we'll be gone
now they've shut my eyes and I cant see
now
these are the times i was scred of
these are the fates i've pushed out of the way
now they've have come back here to haunt me
its plain to see who the winner and loser will be

shitty day at work left me feeling tired and exhausted and beat, left me sleeping for 5 hours and not visiting illy at work, left me complaining to becky.
but on the plus side? left me with two days left of work at the BS. got two assignments and a final left in stats, got plans to make with my dad steve zach and pete. got people to see like, illy gabs, aimee, ashley, michael a, amy, sarah, and maybe you.
got cds and poetry to print for james and his road trip.
got sopme shit to buy, and if tom is serious about being roomies he better get on to calling his guy.
one more day of pottery hopefully everything will work out, still need to get paint. ya know, the summer is wrapping up and we still got time, but maybe not with me

Im takin geography class so i might as well start studying but for a guy who draws maps when he should be taking notes,
im doing only okay on this,
europe test lots of times it really just depends on what they give you to start,
out of 5 tries i averaged about 87% right,

to clarify the last stuff my last name is ha--ar an americanized variation of hajjar a very common arabic (especially lebanese syrian) last name, im not entirely sure but hajjar may come from "stone" or "stoneworker" which would technically be the same thing jesus was. also hagar is a woman in the early sections of the bible. my name michael is also biblical, michael is an archangel, there are two clearly obvious biblical characters named joesph in the bible as well (jesus's father, and joseph with the coat) both josephs in a senses were able to support and allow their people to thrive considering both were ridiculed and oppressed and different times. The reason i say all this is my family is lebanese, some lebanese people claim to be arab, others do not but they are all part of that magical family that brought about three of the world's largest religions. so i felt especially offended when i realized that the custom's agents who have stopped me very well could have recognized my last name as being tied to this area of the planet (the middle east) and profiled... my dad was recently also taken aside, though he was okay with it,(which bothers me) and it bothers me that many people all over the country with my same last name and other arabic names are not being given the respect and fair treatment theu deserve.

so i wanted to write a series of poems about these incidents that have happened to me, and this is the first one. its not perfect and i think i forgot a couple lines (i tend to write shit in my head and then try to remember it on paper)

but uh we shall see if these other ones actually get written
topics included my name (hajjar) one specific customs agent's lecture to me, sort of the topic in general of being held at an airport and some other stuff i dont remember

but this is the basis of them all

"Customs

Customs agents have stopped me at the border three times

Me thinks its not by coincidence,
So lets describe these incidents…

Coming home to America
I wanted to kiss the soil
Hug and hold my family
Even pledge to be loyal
So sure this was the place for me
Surrounded by my loves
The moment I grabbed my bag off the machine
The customs agents grabbed their gloves

At Canada’s crossing been there many times
These last few have been the worst
But not the foreign side,
No but the home base of course
The “lines” I crossed led us to be held
The car held three children of American mothers
And I the last
to show my pass
accomplices became the others.

He looks like a drug addict a smuggler
Clearly a terrorist undercover
A tired skinny dirty traitor
A flag burning homeland freedom hater

We don’t know that he’s not in disguise
And when we ask we don’t believe his lies
“Where did you train? What drugs have you sold?”
“what is this Arabic!!? in your passport folds?
We want your secrets now that your caught in our net
you ask about profiling, well we can give you this helpful pamphlet.

They know not what they’re searching for
Yet they demand a guilty plea
Soul searching and withholding my anger
I am finally allowed to go free

once at the airport, neighbor’s borders twice
To be identified and denied my rights by little mice
Rodents all whom are taking orders from the top man
Who’s signs away security with a stroke of his bloody hands
Across the nation he initials
G W B
And this elected federal official
Signs away my liberty"

I hung out with nova today after work. Its weird that I dont feel strange at all hanging out with my brothers ex girlfriend when we were all wondering "whens the wedding?" good though, because it means securely that we have been friends all along (not that i was questioning that, just...) i spent the night talking too much, realizing im talking too much feeling stupid and then proceeding to do it again. (i have a bad habit of this, when i die it will say "he talked too much when he meant to listen, he liked listening still he talked, he talked too much and never got to the point and never expressed all of what he meant to say and thus kept talking when really he wanted to listen... what a tragic sillyness"

anyway robin s was there which was great cuz i have hung out with her (with nova) a few times and always feel very comfortable. plus she gets to update me on jessica which makes me worry but... anyway. we talked about traveling because she spent a semester in barcelona and loved it in that way that only people who have traveled can understand, she has a fondness for the place. i think i have lost that in many ways.

we were at this place called Nye's bar (i think) i felt weird cuz neither me nor nova got drinks. but they had an awesome band with three drummers (all different types) a alto sax i think a upright electric bassist and a electric guitarist and they played reggae and funk and jazz and a beautiful jamming mix and the singer played drums while he did it which me and nova thought was awesome but couldn figure out how you could keep the two very different parts going t the same time but he did it...

so it was really good night, except i talked too much of course.
nova is gonna go to israel.

many of my friends will be leaving for long periods of time, and im about to take a road trip during the month that will be the last time i am able to see them for awhile. its an aweful feeling yet we all sort of know its okay...

i posted that last one (satans bed) because for some reason im having a particularly hard time resisting temptation. something im working on, but apparently not putting enough effort into.

The problem is its tied to so many of my excited and happy feelings, sad i know, and yet what do you do to replace it? I mean i sit here and think about stuff and the thought of that temptation is a new dagger of excitement everytime and yet tied to so many thoughts and feelings and commitments that are so against it. The temptation justifies it's self in many ways, ways i have long been convinced by, even lived by to an extent, and this new path is uncertain, im not doing it for anyone but myself because there is no guarantee of any reward from the other, yet my day to day thoughts are pushed back by convincing myself that they will be proud and thus happy, and thus loving, and supportive to a greater extent, and that cycle replays itself and ties back into the temptation in the first place.

so how to break the bonds of this temptation cycle?
i sit, contemplate, distract, feel sad- wonder if that sadness is in direct correlation maybe too the reason i can't think right now, the reason i cant sleep etc. judge, respond-- response so far has been good... but relief? no...

i wish i could use this to some better purpose but i feel drained instead, i feel less alive, less happy. and when im there I cant get enough of her, as if im trying to fill some void in my self through the use of my reaching hands and even further reaching imagination.

and find the occasional pearl jam quote to fill this need to express it all...
"immortality"
vacate is the word...vengeance has no place on me or her
cannot find the comfort in this world
artificial tear...vessel stabbed...next up, volunteers
vulnerable, wisdom can't adhere...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on...
but there's a trapdoor in the sun...immortality...
as privileged as a whore...victims in demand for public show
swept out through the cracks beneath the door
holier than thou, how?
surrendered...executed anyhow
scrawl dissolved, cigar box on the floor...
a truant finds home...and a wish to hold on too...
he saw the trapdoor in the sun...
immortality...
i cannot stop the thought...i'm running in the dark...
coming up a which way sign...all good truants must decide...
oh, stripped and sold, mom...auctioned forearm...
and whiskers in the sink...
truants move on...cannot stay long
some die just to live...
ohh...

PEARL JAM - Satan's Bed Lyrics (off vitalogy possibly the best of their cds?)


it's not all been said...been said and done...
i've never slept in satan's bed
although i must admit...still visits my place
uninvited, as you know, he don't wait
funny how he always seems to fit in
funny how i always want to give in
sundays, fridays, tuesdays, thursday, the same
sometimes the special guest, he don't like to leave
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...
who made, who made up, made up the myth
that we were born to be covered in bliss?
who set the standard, born to be rich?
such fine examples, skinny little bitch
model, role model, roll some models in blood
get some flesh to stick, so they look like us
i shit and i stink, i'm real, join the club
i'd stop and talk, but i'm already in love
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...
in love...ah ha ha ha...
ah torture...follows reward...
follows torture...follows reward...
oh, oh my butt...
never shook satan's hand, look see for yourself
you'd know it if i had, that shit don't come off
i'll rise and fall, let me take credit for both
jump off a cliff, don't need your help so back off
i'll never suck satan's dick...
again, you'd see it, you know, right round the lips
i'll wait for an angel, but i won't hold my breath
'magine they're busy, think i'm doing okay...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...in love...
already...

I actually did post once inbetween now and that last one but it got erased. I didnt feel the need to retype it so it must not have been very important.

I got an 82% on my midterm which is worth 30% of the grade in the class, the next assignment is like 11 pages long and due tuesday night, got me mighty worried, since i work a sun and tuesday and was trying to have some other plans, see some cats and shit but i guess that aint gonna happen.

Had lunch with my dad today at a malt shop off snelling and 494. i basically blabbed the whole time and i felt bad but just kept talking. its sort of a bad habit. Becky gets mad at me for it, and i know its stupid but its just so easy to talk about nothing when u aint got nothing real to talk about.

gonna have dinner with my brothers at the mongolian barbeque and we will probably ahve an hour wait or something cuz we talking out going at 6:00

right so, like a half a month of stats probably seven more days of work (in 2 weeks)
gotta see a bunch of cats.
7 days remain show on the 28th
giving up porn
friends with becky (for now)

plasure pause III is amazing

i got this stats midterm due manana before i go to work. its pretty harsh, i have had it for a few days and havent gotten shit done, so tonight its like mandatory, nothin fun stats stats stats

Siren

She sang like the wind howling through dusty mountains
The tone reversed seasons
And shattered the glass walls
Of our eyes
The feeling was cotton candy
and nails
and we consumed
it despite the red of the rust
warm tears of pain flowed freely

No, tears of joy
She was a chamber of
Chaos
And
Forced it through holes
like a hose
Trying to direct a waterfall

The red light of analysis flicked on in us
Disturbing the weak in
The crowd

She ripped the organs from her chest
And gave them to us
The screaming of gentle abuse
The microphone began to choke her
Still she refused to give up
Dry screams
Die out

so i know this is gonna sound stupid and all, but i ate like a quarter of a pie and i been feeling sick lately, like im ODing on sugar, its sort of rediculous.
I feel all hung over and shit from sugar....

i watched magnolia tonight when i should have been doing my mid term for stats, i may do that now, but i gotta wake up early today to go to the pottery class, and we all behind and shit is fucked up but i cant really do anything to help it... so yeah, and then i got work, and then ryan wants to go to some cd release party at the 5th element at 11 or midnight or something... eh ya know but it will give me a chance to buy the new sims cd me thinks..

oh lordy what am i doing in life?

as some of you may remember, when i was younger, i wrote a lot of shitty poetry. I use to type it up, but i would type it up in several different programs, and often save it in e mail form which wasn't good...
so it got erased, at least the typed versions.

One of my goals this summer was to retype all of that old shit and start writing some new shit. We shall see, if the second part comes true but i got a bit of a start yesterday on the first part. so for lack of other posts, you will probably have to suffer through some of this...

I wrote this when I was 15

Tainted Nation

This land you live on now,
First found by ice age cavemen
Overdeveloped gorillas, didn’t know who or why or when,
Their only goal to hunt, and survive
Evolution steps in
Tribes of humans start to thrive.

Alien men show up in the water with the sun
Funny looking clothes,
Skin as pale as ghosts
Bright colored hair, fire sticks, 2 x 4s set in a cross
War breaks out, plague takes out, mass population loss

False treaties signed, war kills still,
The body count at hundreds of mil,
White man assimilates, try to break the will,
Of the people who stand proud till they killed.

In Africa colonization begins with slave forts
Europeans trade goods, for slaves at every sea port,
Middle passage is hell
Made worse by the smell
And the “goods” lives end way too short.

Tortured in a small boat, like a dog in a cage,
Make em sick and malnourished, to keep them from rage
No energy to fight back,
And the whip stings when cracked
But the land brings hope
Until they realize nope
Its just another ort to be sold at
Fat white man with a hat
Demands they speak English
For their new found master
“too slow!! Speak faster!!
Cuz that strong one looks like a laster,
For the tobacco fields”
But the master still wields,
The power
In the form of a whip
Like back in the ship
It’s a never ending pain trip.

War with Mexico or Europe seemingly long past
With the first signs of industry popping up fast
Civil war and the outcome, a good day in theory
But though things change a lot, they still don’t change
Racism runs rampant through the hills through the streets
Still a white power nation in control at the judge’s seat
“you drank from a white fountain, used a white bathroom?”
KKK will get you wake up dead in a tomb

19th amendment in history pretty rare,
all of a sudden selfish men learned to share
things may have changed with women’s votes
but the great depression left people without fuel or coats.

Early 20th century, world war shocks the ground,
Gunfire, bombs, and stomping boots are the sound
You hear when you walk on the decaying streets
Of any European town

The cities are in shambles, the camps
Reek of a horrible smell
Though this time its decaying bodies, hurting people, burned to hell
Gas warfare, and napalm
Destroy everything that’s calm
Radio reports of bombs hitting pearl harbor
And machine guns start blazing
Nuclear warfare, people burning while gazing
At the mushroom cloud in the sky
D-day a semi sane world dies

Society suddenly thrusts into a place
Cold war threatens, “Children cover your face!”
Under the desks when you hear the alarm
Don’t know much about it but a nuke will do you harm

Still today people can’t cross a hill, fence or street,
Why do they need to cross just to survive just to eat?
We sit here watching TV in a leather seat
Ask yourself this one while you eat that tasty dairy queen treat
Has America been tainted by cheaters trying to cheat
Minorities always struggling
On plantations they felt the heat
Or modern day society
Feeling police dogs breath on their feet
Always fighting back cuz they know they cant be beat
Never ever except defeat

Society is made up of people so this is what I ask of it
What’s up with this past and present pattern of bigotry us hypocrites
Discrimination aint got no place in this people or from our governments
We cannot sit here doing nothing nor just talking all about this shit
Change may take awhile but we can help at least a little bit.

Ryan and adrianne both have good posts, ryan a bit more worldly and sad, but adriannes is sad too. so check them out


tempted to write love letters
he knows that there is something better
doubt keeps him stammering,
back to the standard
guilt sends its messengers
contemplation brings up nothing new
stuttering with simplicity
he wonders what to do?

I had Itunes on random, 3 songs in a row written by drug addicts, then went to work several more.... alice in chains, sublime, blind melon

I was thinking about all these songs and how the lyricists describe their addiction, all consuming, yet glorified in many ways. I was thinking about how artists often try to express themselves, their lives what they love and life in general, often they become incredibly frustrated trying to capture something so immense and beautiful and scary and all the millions of things life is...

I started wondering if drug addicts become relieved in a sense, that all consuming addiction becomes their life and in many ways could be so much easier to describe.
An all consuming life style impossible to escape from, outside the norm, illicits all the same feelings as life only in the extreme.

its very strange to think these people are living their metaphor.

listening to fugazi while i try to do stats work,


some of you might find this hypocritical


fugazi

"SUGGESTION
why can't i walk down a street free of suggestion?
why can't i walk down a street free of suggestion?!!!!
is my body my only trait in the eye's of men?
in the eye's of men?!!!
i've got some skin!!
and you want to look in!!
I've got some!
there lays no reward
in what you discover
you spent yourself!!!
watching me suffer
suffer you words!!
suffer your eyes!!!
suffer your hands!!
suffer your interpretation....
of what it is
of what it is
of what it is
to be a man!!!!
i've got some skin!!!
you want to look!!!!
i've got some!!!
she does nothing to deserve it
he looks at her cuz he wants to observe it
we sit back like they taught us
we keep quiet like they taught us
he just wants he wants to prove it
she does nothing to remove it
we don't want anyone to mind us
so we play the roles that they assigned us
she does nothing to conceal it
he touches her 'cause he wants to feel it
we blame her for being there
but we are all guilty
Guilty!!!!"

some blind melon lyrics, theres an interesting metaphor in this creepy song

"I'll make a shoehorn outta your skin
I'll make a lampshade of durable skin
And oh, don't you know that I'm always feelin' able
When I'm sittin' home and I'm carving out your navel

When will I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the kill be too much meat for me to hide on

Hey, I could really use a couple of hands
To complete one hell of a plant stand
Oh, and don't you know that I'm caught here in the middle
Making rib cages into coffee tables
I'm just makin' em into coffee tables

And when I realize that this skin I'm in
Hey, it isn't mine
And when will the thrill be too much meat for me to find anymore

Oh, because you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in, oh yeah
And though you know I can't hide
But oh how hard I try
But this is just the shape I'm in "


shannon hoon's vocal style (the singer (deceased)) reminds me of like janis joplin in that he seems to just give his all sometimes... its really beautiful

statisticas


upon returning home rom dinner and a movie(wa of the worlds) friday night, becky informed me that it was in fact the 1st of the month (cue music) or rather, had been as it was now 12:05, and I in desperation checked the stats website to be informed so coldly of that hard dead truth.

And so it began, for the next few hours I struggled against time, my own will and becky's will, to ge my now late homework done, not only that, but for a time I was sure that i would just quit the class. Becky wouldnt let me. She said she would help, and she did.
Then we worked out a game plan that the entire necxt day would be reserved for stats, we would get 3-4 assignments ahead so that I could stop this silly stressful process of last minute turn ins and threatening quitting.
So we returned to my house, and the website is down. and remains down.
so i still havent turned in that assignment, and im not able yet to access the next couple of assignments. which sucks cuz now i have like 5 days of work to add to the mix. so basically i no longer have time, bu becky is gonna try to come over this afternoon and hopefully the website will be back. i got her dinner as a downpayment for her tutoring.

IMPORTANT IMPORTANT

new supreme court judge, e mail congress people!!!!

http://www.moveonpac.org/protectourrights/?id=5730-4131077-zCpCs3Dxp5paiUmu6cVmag